Some random list of funny quotes and stories I had gathered from all over the net sometime long back...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically,
it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically,
it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"someone has stolen our tent".
Two friends are walking in the jungle.
Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them.
One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on.
With a surprised look, the other friend says,
"You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?"
"I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies,
"I just need to run faster than you".
Customer? : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter? : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.
Customer? : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter? : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer? : No, I can't.
Waiter? : Then does it really matter?
Customer? : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter? : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.
Customer? : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter? : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
Customer? : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter? : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Customer? : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter? : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
Customer? : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter? : Funny?? But why aren't you laughing?
Lady? : Is this my train?
Station Master?? : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady? : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to
Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master?? : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Wife?? : Do you want dinner?
Husband?? : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife? : Yes and no.
First Guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy?? : "You're fortunate,mine's still alive."
Customer? : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to London in two days time?
Post Master? : Well it might do.
Customer? : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master? : Why not?
Customer? : It's addressed to New York.
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
How long has what been going on?' said the man.
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief?? : Hurry! this is no time for superstitious.
Dear Mom,
I know I haven't written for three months, but I have
been very busy and I've been having a very exciting
time. Actually, I'm just back from the hospital,
where I had spent a fortnight about two months ago.
It was nothing, really - just a concussion on the
back of my head, a broken leg and a hairline
fracture, that I got while jumping out of the second
floor of my hostel when it caught fire.
>
In fact, I can now stand all by myself without
crutches, and can almost see everything perfectly,
except for a slight blur. But don't worry. The
doctor says there is a good chance of me walking on
my own again. Actually,it could have been worse, if
not for that nice chai-walla who saw me lying there
in a dead faint and rushed me to hospital.
>
He was very helpful, really, and came to see me
everyday in the hospital. Now that I am out of
hospital, I had nowhere to go, as the hostel is still
under construction. So when he suggested that I move
in with him in his hut, I thought it was very kind of
him, and agreed. We are very much in love now, and I
am sure that you and Dad will surely like him and
accept him in the family.
>
I am sure the minor matter that he is fourteen years
older than me and that he is of a different caste and religion, will
not matter at all to broadminded parents like you. He may be
illiterate and poor, but he has a heart of gold - really, Mom, you
should see how he cares for both of us - me and his wife. She is
quite sweet too, and so are her three children; so
there is absolutely no problem.
>
You must be wondering how you and Dad got informed so
late. Don't get angry, Mom. We just didn't have the
time. You see, we decided to get married only
recently since we thought it would be unfair to let
our baby into the world without a proper surname.
Yes, Mom, you are going to be a grandmother!
Congratulations! I am sure you and Dad are
delighted, and will come to visit us in his village
in Mizoram after we shift there next week.
>
OK Mom. All this did not really happen. There was no
fire, no fracture, no bigamous chai-walla and no
illegitimate pregnancy. But I did flunk in my
MATHEMATICS EXAM!!!!!!!!, and I wanted you to view
this problem in the right perspective.
>
Your Darling Daughter.
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes,
so I'll give each of you just one.
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of pina-coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral Of The Story: always let your boss have the first say.
When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question: Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer: No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah
and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me
that Pakistan would win. What do you think?
At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends they ask
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: The Mafia is after me , I'm just here for the
darkness , so I can hide and lie low
In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia, why don't you try again ?
At a funeral: One of the teary eyed people ask
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people?
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the "blah blah blah" dish good?
Answer: No, its terrible it was cooked two days ago and
as a special offer..you get food poisoning...........free!!!!
When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.
You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke?
Answer: No, it's a miracle ...........it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!
A sudden shower , you don't have an umbrella get
home.....soaking wet, Person who opens the door asks
Stupid Question : Oh is it raining ?
Answer : No , I was tired of the same route home, so I
decided to get back, swimming in the sewers
Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the
barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman says "Yep, thats them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are u guys doing?"
And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Afghans this time
and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry
about the 140 million Afghans!"
American newspaper reporting
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York.
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit
bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the
dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's
life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks
over and says: "You're a hero, tomorrow you can read
it in all the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the
life of little girl".
The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the
policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?
"The man says: - "I am an Iraqi!"
The next day the newspaper says: "Islamic extremist
kills innocent American dog".
In case, if you have not heard about one of the
sideline stories of the World Summit, here it is.
To coincide with the World Summit, a worldwide
survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about the solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was, not surprisingly, a huge failure.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion"meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
And, in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweat-shirt and Reeboks.
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new
expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and
when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from
nowhere.
Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to
get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and
pretty soon he's wet and shivering.
The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong
he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops
next to him. He was so helpless, that even without giving a thought, he opens
the rear door of the car and jumps in.
Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved
him, when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!!
Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any
engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees
a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep,
steep drop beyond the curve).
Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his
life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a
hand appears through the window and moves the wheel!
The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next
bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every
time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to
get the car around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches
open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as
hard as he can towards the lights. It's a small town. .
Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhabba, which is open, and asks
for a drink. They find some hooch and give him a shot. And he starts telling
to all those in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just been
through.
Silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and
is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more
hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find
a priest, or what.
But just then two guys walk into the dhabba. And one says to the other:
"Look, Man - that's the jerk that got into the car when we were pushing it."
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven............
They decide to play hide-n-seek.........
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den...........
He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right
in front of Einstein...........
Einsteins counting......97,98,99.....100........
He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........
Einstein says "newtons out..newtons....out....."
Newton denies and says i am not out........
He claims tht he is not Newton......
All the scientists come out and he proves that he is not Newton......
How????????????
scroll down.........
....scroll down......... further..............
His proof:
Newton says:
I am standing in a square of area 1m square.....
That means i am Newton per meter square......
Hence i am Pascal....since newton per meter square = Pascal
Hi !!, Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
Save water. Shower with your friend.
Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
Wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
Love is photogenic It needs darkness to develop
"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk !
(I don't want to be an exception!) "Work fascinates me" I can look at
it for hours!
The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know,
the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn
Conversation between William Knott and Mr.Watt.
"Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE
TOTALLY CONFUSED, READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...
"Why not?"
"Huh? What do you mean why not?"
"Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"
"But I told you my name!"
"Didn't you say you will not?"
"Not not, knott, Will Knott!"
"That's what I mean."
"So you know my name."
"Of course not!"
"Good. So now, what is yours?"
"Watt. Yours?"
"Your name!"
"Watt's my name."
"How the hell do I know? I am asking you!"
"Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you
have not even told me yours yet."
"You have been patient, what about me?"
"I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not
told me yours yet."
"Of course not!"
"See, you even know my name!"
"Of course not!"
"Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?"
"Because I don't."
[Pause]
"What is your name?"
"See, you know my name!"
"Of course not!"
"Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?"
"To find out your name!"
"But you already know it!"
"What?"
"See, and you know mine!"
"Of course not!"
"Exactly!"
NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER
KNOWS THEIR NAME,BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE
OTHER'S NAME.
"Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your
name is, what will be your answer?"
"Watt's my name."
"No, no, give me only one word."
"Watt"
"Your name!"
"Right!"
[Pause before it hits him]
"Oh, Wright!"
"Yeah!"
"So why didn't you say it before?"
"I told you so many times!"
"You never said Wright before"
"Of course I did."
"Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?"
"I do not."
"Well, there you go, now we know each other's name."
"I do not!"
"Good!"
[Pause before it hits him]
"Oh, Guud!"
"Good."
"No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?"
"No, it's Knott!"
"Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud."
"Yes Wright."
NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL!
Real Story - Happened in Bangalore (SuperNatural..) - Weak hearted don't read !!
Take time and Read it !!
If you know some one staying in B'glore let them know
this If you are in b'lore, do go through this story COZ, its a real
one.
Read this true story... and let everybody you know in and around
Bangalore especially Bannerghatta Road ........
My friend lives in Malleshwaram... One day he went to Bannerghatta
Road to visit his uncle for some days as his parents had to attend a
wedding in Coimbatore. One evening he and some other of my college
friends went to Yellahanka for a movie.
He had so much fun that he forgot that it's very late. He caught
the last local bus to Bannerghatta Road ..... he reached Bannerghatta Road
around midnight......
He had to walk about a mile from the bus stop to home....
As he was walking alone, he could sense that the night felt very
creepy as it was so dark. While walking, he was stonished to See an
old creepy looking guy selling some books. It was a very unusual thing to
see a thing like that.....
It got the shivers ! on him when he noticed that his old guy is unusually
pale and staring at him...
The old guy said "Son why don't you get a book...it would keep you
company".
Then he did something which he would regret for the rest of his
life .........
My friend started to act brave & thought why not & had a look at
his collections... My friend's hair started to rise up as he noticed
that all the books were related to supernatural activities...but he
found one that was very interesting.
So he asked the old man "how much is it, uncle?"....
The old guy replied,
"Well son...this is an interesting book...it's only for Rs 250.
My friend was shocked and said "but...but... it's expensive"
This time the old man stared which freaked my friend.
My friend quickly checked all his pockets & found Rs.200 & said
"This is all I have." The old guy replied "It's OK son ....you can
have the book for that price"
As ! my friend was just about to run for home...the old man called back &
said "Son ... whatever happen, you don't ever flip the book to it's last
page... remember these words or you would regret...!!!!!"
My friend nodded and never looked back ... Reaching home...he quickly asked
his Uncle whether there was any new old book
seller nearby? The Uncle replied "not that I know of but ...we've heard that
there's 1 old man comes once in a while during full moon nights but heard
that there is something creepy about it...why son?"
My friend freaked out... he told his uncle "nothing uncle...just
asking". He started reading the book with the old man's words
on his mind.. At night, 12 0'clock, as he went to bed, a gush of wind blew
which chilled him up to his bones. At that glimpse, he noticed the wind had
blown the pages to its last page. He remembered what the old man has said!
But we humans tend to have the tendency to know. Out of curiosity, he
flipped to the last page & fainted... What he saw at the last page is stated
below:
Don't look further down if you have a weak heart... warn you
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Original price:-- Rs. 20/-
Promotion price:-- Rs. 10/-
he he he he hhe hhe
1) Did you know the word "MALAYALAM" spelt backward and forward is the
same. That is why we can't figureout if they are coming or going.
2) Why did Saddam Hussain attack?
He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say "KEEP QUWAIT"
3) Where did the malayalee study?
In the KOLLAGE.
4) Why did the Malayalee buy an air-ticket ?
To go to Dubai.. ZIMBLY to meet his UNGLE and AUNDY in GELF...
5) What did the Malayalee do when the plane caught fire?
He JEMBED out of the VINDOW...
7) Why did he go to Rome ?
To hear POPE music..
8) How many Malayalees do you need to change a lightbulb ? 1853.One to
change the bulb,20 to form the light bulb workers' union (Marxist),30
to form the counter union(CPI),1 to the Light bulb minister, to head the
Light bulb corporation,45 to be nominated to the light bulb corporation,60 to
go to US, Germany, Switzerland and Hawaii to do import productsurvey on
light bulb,3 to form the Judicial Enquiry commission on light bulb
scandal.... soon....(BTW, Kerala Marxists anyway believe that you don't have to
changelight bulbs..A light bulb has seeds of its own revolution....)
9) What does a Malayalee do when he has to stand for election in DELHI?
He changes his name. Madhavan to M. A.DHAWAN.
10) What does a Malayalee do to stand for elections in New York ?
He changes his name. Karunakaran to KEVIN CURREN.
11) What do you call an intelligent Mallu?
Pheno-MENON.
12) What do you call a good looking Mallu?
Debo-NAIR.
13) Why did the Mallu cross the road?
SIMBLY.
14) And finally, who was Bruce Lee's best friend in Malaysia?
Malaya LEE !!
15 ) What do you call a very rich Malayalee?
Million/Billion NAIR
16 ) How does a malayalee spell the word 'MOON' ?
YUM - O another O YEN.
17) How does a malyalee spell malayalam ?
Yamm - yay - yell -yay - why - yay - yell - yay - yumm
More on Mallu speaking ENGLISH.................
Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.
Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.
What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto
And for cargo?
A Loree
Where does he pray?
Demble
What happens when a bakery in Kerala is named after a gerrl called Anu?
Its
called 'Anus Bakery'.
Name the only part of the werld, where Malayali's dont werk hard?
Kerala
Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi !!!!!!!!!!!!
Kuttappan was bragging to his boss one day. "You know,
I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Kuttappan how
about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes," said Kuttappan. "Tom and I are old
friends, and I can prove it."
So Kuttappan and his boss fly out to Hollywood and
knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom
Cruise shouts, "Babu! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Kuttappan's boss is still
skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells
Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttappan's knowing Cruise
was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else", Kuttappan says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Kuttappan says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots
Kuttappan on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, "Babu, what a surprise, I was just on my
way to a meeting, but you and
your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee
first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not
totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses
his doubts to Kuttappan, who again implores him to
name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Kuttappan. "I have a lot of friends in
Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Kuttappan and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Kuttappan says, "This will never work. I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what,
I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
So he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour! later Kuttappan
emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
By the time Kuttappan returns, he finds that his boss
has had a heart attack and is surrounded by
paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side,
Kuttappan asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until
you and the Pope came out on the balcony... Then the
man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Kuttappan?"
A Mallu female (from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview
for the post of a SECRETARY. When the manager saw the Mallu's colorful
attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was
screaming "Not This Woman."
Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu.
So he told her, "If You could form a sentence using the words that I
give you, then may be I will give you a chance!
The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."
The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said:
"I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I
say YELLOW..... BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number.. ...
Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, yokeeyy? Thank you."
The Manager fainted
Did you know:
Bruce Lee is actually a Malayalee, but he left Kerala,
the land of Maave Lee because he didn't have Jo lee or Koo Lee.
He was not happy to be a Thozhila Lee or Vazhakkaa Lee
and decided that he wants to become a Muthala Lee by
being a Poraa Lee.
Actually, he invented his most popular film titles
from the Malayalam word Vyaa Lee (Dragon).
His favorite goddess was Ka Lee and he enjoyed Adipo Lee a lot.
What is Bruce Lee's favorite weapon? ----- Kodaa Lee
According to Bruce Lee, which is the Venomous snake? ----- Ana Lee
According to Bruce Lee, which is the non-Venomous snake? -----Neerko Lee
Place where Bruce Lee stays when he is in Kerala ----- Adima Lee
Bruce Lee's Favourite Malayalam Channel ----- Kaira Lee
Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable? ----- Thakkaa Lee
What sound does Bruce Lee make when some one hits him?----- Nilavi Lee
What is Bruce Lee's pet ----- Chunde Lee
What kind of water does Bruce Lee prefer with his lunch? ----- Karingaa Lee
What is Bruce Lee's nick name? ----- Neeraa Lee
What disease is Bruce Lee most afraid of? -----Chuzha Lee
What dress Bruce lee wears when he is IN Kerala? ----- Kai Lee(Lungi)
While in kerala he likes to be known ----- Malaya Lee
A family at Changancherry (Kerala) was puzzled when the coffin of their mother
arrived from Kuwait. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so
tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it!
When they opened the lid they found a note top, which read as follows:
Dear brothers and sisters,
I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should
be cremated in Parepalli St.George Cemetery. Sorry I could not come along
because the nurses salary is going to increase next month so I doubt I will
get it if I am not here.
You will find inside the coffin, Ammachi's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets
of Swiss chocolates and 4 packets of Egypt badam. (Cheap ayittu kitti- orru
discount sale ondayirunnu). Please divide these among all of you. On the sides
of her head there is a tin each of Nido and Tang. On Ammachi's feet you will
find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Johnny chettan. Also there are 2
pairs of shoes for Gracy's and Ammini's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ammachi is wearing 6 American T- shirts. The large size Reebok is for Vincent,
and the others are for Tomy and Binny. The two new jeans Ammachi is wearing
are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Aleyamma wanted is on Ammachi's left
wrist.
Thangamma Aunty! Ammachi is wearing the necklace, earrings and rings that you
asked for. Please take them. The 6 white cotton socks that Ammachi is wearing
must be divided between Dennis and Shaji mon. Don't let them fight over it.
In Ammachi's pockets there are about 25 envelopes that are to be posted
immediately. There are some drafts from the Bahrain Exchange Company. Those
marked 'By Hand' -are to be hand delivered. (These envelopes are from my
friends in the Hostel- pashukkal thane!! Enya cheyyanam??).
And there is Rosamma's wedding album I brought to show (off) my friends in St.
Mary hostel on my last visit. Also, you will find some syringes and some other
medicines, which don't know what for. But still I am sending them. Give it to
the neighbours or Santhamma, ok?
Thomichayan inu wareh jolli onnum ayilla. Prarthikennam ketto! Ellavareyum
orthu kondu vishesham nerritu kaanumbol.
By the way, Ammachi has 2 gold teeth one on each side of the jaw. Ayyoo..
Prashanama!!!!!
oru kodumkaatt adichirunnengill kurachu kaatu kollamayirunnu
oru agniparvatham pottiyirunnengill kurachu chudu kollamayirunnu
oru mathill undayirunnengill chadi odamayirunnu
oru helicopter undayirunnengill thungikidennadamayirunnu.. pinne thazhekku eduthu chadamayirunnu
oru kambi kittiyirunnengill valachu nakku vadikkamayirunnu
oru perumbambine kittiyirunnengill marathu malayayi aniyamayirunnu
oru kuthiraye kittiyirunnengill malpiditham nadathamayirunnu
oru train vannirunnengill chavutti marichidamayirunnu
oru kariminine kittiyirunnengill kadichu polikkamayirunnu
randu panji kittiyirunnengill mukkill vachu chathathu pole kidakkamayirunnu
randu maruthi car kittiyirunnengill cherupayittidamayirunnu
idukki damill vellam pongiyirunnengill kudichu vattikamayirunnu
ammachiplavu kandirunnengill kayari olichirikkamayirunnu
oru passport kittiyirunnengill H1-B stamp cheythu americayillekku pokamayirunnu
njan purse edukkan marannu poyi.. eduthathu cement chakkayi poyi
pathu cent sthalavum, 4 kinarum, kurachu tire-um kittiyrunnengil... carroms kalikkamayirunnu
moorkhan kadichathu nannayi... neerkoli kadichirunnengil... maanam poyene
oru theakinte kashnam kittiyirunnengill pallu theykamayirunnu
oru escalator kittyirunnengil, puram choriyaamaayirunnu!
oru attaye kittiyirunnengil, pidichu methayil kidathaamaayirunnu.
kurachu eddili kittiyirunnengil sharttinu buttons iddamayirunnu
oru hocky stick kittiyirunnengil.. chevi thondamayirunnu
oru nattoli kittiyrunnangil ollattamayirunu
oru sorry kittiyrunnangil maapu parayamayirunu
randu tectonic plate kittiyirunnengil oru bhoomi kulukkam undakkamayirunnu
oru enfield bullet kittyurunnengil roller skate cheyyamayirunnu
oru mungi kappal kittiyurunnegil oruship mukkamayirunnu
oru paatta keel kittiyirunnel jayabharathikku kannezhuthamayirunnooo
oru suresh gopiye kittiyirunnenkil raajyam nannakkamayirunnu
oru kaattuthee vannirunnnenkil ee beedikku thee koluthamayirunnu
oru kuthiraye kittiyirunnenkil athine kulippichu muscle kanikkamayirunnu
oru 100Kg dumbell kittiyirunnenkil thalayile penine adichu kollamayirunnu
oru vellapokkam vannirunnenkil 1/2 glass vellam kudikkamayirunnu
oru aanaye kittiyirunnenkillll paper weight aakkaamaayirunnu
oru dish antenna kittiyurunnengil kuda pidickaamaayirunnu
oru idiyappam kittiyirunnengil kuruckazhichu kalickaamaayirunnu
jaipro/jaifosys : jayabharathickum kaviyoor ponnammayckum seemayckum ESOPS koduckaamaayirunnu
jaipro/jaifosys : balan.k.naire loan edippichu kuppiyilackaamaayirunnu
jaipro/jaifosys : aalammoodane gym-il kettamaayirunnu
jaipro/jaifosys : sukumaarane on-site-il vidaamaayirunnu
jaipro/jaifosys : janaardhanane HR head ackaamaayirunnu
oru virusine kittiyurunnengil onnu malpiditham nadathaamaayirunnu
bill gates-ine kandirunnengill randu pottickaamaayirunnu
e-commerce padichirunnengil kannoril ninnum kure bomb vangaamaayirunnu
oru P III kittiyirunnengil cricket-il stump ackaamaayirunnu
oru rocket kittiyirunnengil kayaril ketti pattam parathaamaayirunnu
oru road roller kittiyirunnengil shirt onnu iron cheyyamaayirunnu
oru "flying saucer" kittiyirunnengil oru cup chaaya kudickaamaayirunnu
100 gold fish-ne kittiyirunnengil jayabharathi-kku oru swarnakkammal undaai koduckaamaayirunnu ..
oru 70 mm theater kittiyirunnengil laptop-inte screen ackaamaayirunnu
56.oru maruthikarum kurachu hose pipum kittiyirunnengil mouse aayi upayogickaamaayirunnu
6 thengum nedumbassery runwayum kittiyirunnegil cricket kalickaamayirunnu
oru titianic kittiyirunnengil vallam kalicku pankeduckaamaayirunnu
bharathapuzhayil vellam undayirunnengil daaham mattamaayirunnu
60.oru pappadam kittiyirunnengil .. paayasathil mucki kollaamaayirunnu
oru bofors gun kittiyirunnengil vedi vachu padickaamaayirunnu
oru vimaanam kittiyirunnengil oothi parappickaamaayirunnu
navagrahangale kittiyirunnengil kurachu neram goli kalickaamaayirunnu
oru choonda kittiyirunnengil Titanic-ine pokki nockaamaayirunnu
barmuda triangle-il poyirunnengil kurachu neram swim cheyyammayirunnu
oru neelathimingalathine kittiyirunnengil veettile fish tankil idammayirunnu
kurachu thanneer mathan kittiyirunnengil gotti kalichu rasikkamayirunnu
oru microwave kittiyirunnengil kai unackaamaayirunnu
oru helicopter kandirunnel fan pidichu niruthaamaayirunnu
oru plane kandirunningil chaadi pidickaamaayirunnu
america-yil pokan pattiyirunnengil bush-ine thazhe irackaamaayirunnu
100 bomb kittiyirunnengill, vishuvinu pottikkamayirunnuu
koruacu scud kittiyirunnengil, vaanam vittu kalickaamaayirunnu
kurachu paal payasam undayirunnengil, veedu white wash cheyyamaayirunnu
Oru chiratta kittiyengil athil vellam nirachu suicide cheyyamayirunnoo
najn jevichiruppundaayirunnengil , aatmahathya cheyyamaayirunnu
suryanil poyirunnengil onnu sun-bath cheyyamaayrunnu
bhimane kittiyirunnengil , paanchaalicku vendi malpidutham nadathaamaayirunnu
oru kathrika kittiyirunnengil ee road murichu kadakkamaayirunnu
oru bhoomikuluckam undayirunnengil, onnu virackaamaayirunnu
Software Engineer Symptoms
If you have been in IT industry too long these are
your symptoms:
1.) U use phrases like "No issues" and "Value
addition" in everyday parlance. For e.g. When talking
about your doodhwalla, U say, "His
milk does zero value addition to my health but he is
the only guy around so no issues"
2.) Ur prime source of entertainment is the forwards
send to U by friends whose faces U cant remember.
3.) U drink more tea or coffee than water.
4.) U keep trying to shut down ur home computer by
pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps)
5.) When ur mobile rings at home, U rush outside to
receive the call.
6.) When U make calls at home, U accidentally dial
"0"to get an outside line.
7.) U haven't played Solitaire with real cards in
years.
8.) Ur last crush was a girl in HR, ur current crush
is the new girl in HR and all ur crushes in the
future will be girls in HR.
9.) U spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking
cigarettes, drinking tea/coffee and playing T.T. and
then complain about the late working hours.
10.) Ur important 'meetings' usually comprise two or
three people max, including yourself.
11) U secretly prepare for CAT only to find ur PL
sitting behind you at the exam.
13.) U keep pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your
gmail is not going.
14.) U email ur mate who works at the desk next to U.
15.) As U read this list, U r thinking of sending it
to ur friends who are also in IT.
16.)U r too busy to notice there was no line no. 12
17.)U r not sure so u scroll back check it .
18.)And now u r smiling!!!!
Am sure u did steps 16 to 18.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become
a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and
anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Highly confidential..
/* Source Code Windows 2000 */
include "win31.h"include "win95.h"include "win98.h"include "workst~1.h"include "evenmore.h"include "oldstuff.h"include "billrulz.h"include "monopoly.h"include "backdoor.h"define INSTALL = HARD
char makeproglookbig(16000000);
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
displaycopyrightmessage();
displaybillrulesmessage();
donothingloop();
if (firsttimeinstallation)
{
make100megabyteswapfile();
donothingloop();
totallyscrewupHPFSfilesystem();
searchanddestroytherestof-OS2();
makefutileattempttodamageLinux();
disableNetscape();
disableRealPlayer();
disableLotusProducts();
hangsystem();
} //if
writesomething(anything);
displaycopyrightmessage();
donothingloop();
dosomestuff();
if (stillnotcrashed)
{
displaycopyrightmessage();
donothingloop();
basicallyrunwindows31();
donothing_loop();
} // if
} //while
if (detectcache())
disablecache();
if (fastcpu())
{
setwaitstates(lots);
setmouse(speed,veryslow);
setmouse(action,jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction,sometimes);
} //if
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); /
/ printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); /
/ printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); /
/ printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); /
/ printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); /
/ printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");
if (systemok())
crash(todosprompt)
else
systemmemory = open("a:\swp0001.swp",O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
getuserinput();
sleep(5);
actonuserinput();
sleep(5);
} // while
creategeneralprotectionfault();
} // main
Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shink-wrapped inside the box
along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by
way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the
first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that
the other 10 aren't really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on
over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji.
Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release,
which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. ----
Tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on
display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the
shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop
and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer,
saying that'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That
was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much? "The shopkeeper
answered,"Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well
worth the money."The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
"That one's even more expensive! $10,000!what does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey;it can manage object-oriented
programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful
stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey
in a cage of its own The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all
the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing
anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts, 'Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man below says,
'Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field.
You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.'
'You must be a programmer,' says the balloonist.
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' says the balloonist,'everything you have told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.
' The man below says, 'You must be a project manager
'I am,' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' says the man, 'you don't know where you are, or where you are going.
You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep,and you expect me to solve your problem.'
Here are some funny (and true) facts about the life of
engineering students. U can decide for yourself if
this is true or not, if u have led or are leading an
engineering college life. This is also a chance for
those who 'escaped' from there to get a little
nostalgic... read on...
[A] Some Basic definitions..
Engineering College : Place where you're punished for
getting good HSC marks.
Babe : Girls studying in other colleges...for mech
guys, anything female.
Senior : Guy who got ragged as junior and wanna get
some payback...
Fresher : Guy who has to ask where the canteen is...
Really Dumb Fresher : Guy who asks a senior where the
canteen is.
Really Really Dumb fresher : Guy who follows the
senior to the canteen.
Ragging : The unfortunate fate of the previous idiot.
Evasive action : Watch the juniors when any seniors
come nearby.
(No one runs faster than a fresher. NO ONE.)
Lectures : Waste of time.. physical presence is a
must...only meant for sleeping, completing assignments
& general everything
Tutions : What you take when you don't waste enough
time....
Professor : Person paid to put students to sleep.
Lecturer : Unusual variant of previous individual who
comes packaged with his own brand of English ("Now you
check me our journal." "You out get from class." "Are
you Understand?" "Both of you two come here", "Draw a
square of any shape")
Practicals/Lab Work : 60 to 120 minutes in which you
watch the girls do your experiment, and usually
destroy a considerable array of lab equipment.
Hopeless Practical : The practical in which there are
no girls in your group (simply look blankly at each
other, fiddle with the equipment, and finally copy the
readings. from the girls of course...or from guyz who
get it from gals).
B]. The Truth about exams....
Exams : A 3 hour long exercise to find out how fast
you can write.
Timing : when ur non engineering GF/BF is free to
enjoy while u slog with submissions & exams
Irony : The guy who copied your entire paper passes
and you flunk.
Critical Calculation : Summing up the marks you
attempted worth in the exam...
Arrear (Supplementary) : Makes you suicidal at
first...but later becomes a way of life...
Year Drop : Makes dad homicidal.
Re-valuation: A cruel joke. (results of which come
after you give the arrear exam).
[C]. An engineering student's 10 engg commandments of
Life
Thou shalt study only during the study leave.
Thou shalt treat all marks above 35 as bonus.
Thou shalt begin writing thy assignments
journals/lab records only on the morning of
submission, and only by copying.
Thou shalt spent as much money as possible and then
borrow from girls
Thou shalt have at least 70 per cent attendance in
the canteen, theaters,clubs,pubs,discos etc etc but
not necessarily in class
Thou shalt pass GRACEfully.
Thou shalt always be an OUTstanding student.
Thou shalt give thy attendance without being
present.
If thou can't convince them, confuse them.
Thou shalt start every sentence with a
four-lettered word.
Guys: Thou shalt treat and look upon all girls (esp.
freshers) as your private property, and propose to as
much freshers as you can.
Girls: Thou shalt write all assignments and lab works
promptly and timely so that guys can copy them from
you.
[D]. The Years of Engineering
First Year - F.E. Fond of Engineering
Second Year - S.E. Sick Engineering
Third Year - T.E. Tired of Engineering
Engineering Colleges
The 4-year holiday called engineering
20 things common to all engg colleges:
1). The lecturers dont teach.The students dont study.
The only guy who benefits is the one who owns the 'dhaba' next to the college.
2).Rules are made to be broken.
3).Promises are made to be broken.
4).Deadlines are made to be extended...ALWAYS!
5).Guys always think the chics in the college next lane are more beautiful.
5).The geeks are the most pampered lot during the internal exams.
6).The lab assistants are the most respected people(during the lab exams i.e)
7).The watchmen are the people most bribed.
8).The HOD is the person most respected(heights of sycophancy here).
9).The principal is the person most abused and insulted(behind the back i.e)
10).Dropping subjects is 'cool'.(arre yaar..drop the idea of dropping subjects plzz).
11).There is always a lecturer in the college who cant speak proper 'english'.
12).Night-out is the second most important tool to ace the exams.
13).The most important tool..the bhramastra..is the 'chit' in which the words can be
understood only by the person who wrote them(in most of the cases i.e)
14).The freshers are the most sought after..be it in the canteen,the 'free' periods
or for completing the records,assignments.
15).The second-years are the ones with the 'I am the don-of-the-college' feeling.
16).The third years are the ones with the 'so-many-backlogs' feeling and the poor
souls get down to studying after bossing around in the college for so long.
but the fun still continues.(I gave 22 exams last year!!).
17).The fourth years have no connection with the college whatsoever...
with no interest in ragging,pulling each other`s legs,the bday parties,
the bday bums et al which they enjoyed so much till now.All they want
is a good placement and a '1st-class' tag attached to their memo.
19).The first three years are spent in cursing the college,the people there,the system et al.
20).But towards the end of the fourth year,people tend to feel nostalgic abt the pure
unadulterated fun they have had for 4 years.Now the very system they disliked,
the very canteen they cursed,the time that they spent there,the bday bums they
suffered..all these seem like heaven to them.
Bored in Office
If you find it very boring in the office, here are
some tips ::
Form a detective agency to find out who is
quitting next.
Make blank calls to your Boss.
Count your fingers (and toes if you still get
bored).
Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone
elses chair just to irritate him/her.
Send mails from ms-mail to your internet
mail(and immediately get to the internet and see who
reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there,
and note down the time they take to reach there.
Then do vice versa.
Watch other people changing their facial
ex-pressions while working and try changing your
ex-pressions also.
Try to stretch status meetings as longer as
possible, just by asking silly doubts.
Have work breaks in between tea.
Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social
occasion.
Read jokes and send jokes.
Revise last week's newspaper.
Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
Practice aiming the coffee cup into the
dustbin.
Compile "How to waste your day"
Pick up phone and dial non existing nos.
Make faces at strangers in office.
Count maximum no of applications your computer
can open at a time.
For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle
bin and restore them. Then repeat this process.
Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he
might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.
Learn to whistle.
Make full use of the comfortable chair and
table provided and take a nap.And if you are still
getting bored-
Fwd this mail to everyone u know ;-)
Java Interview
Q. What is the difference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.
Q. What is the order of method invocation in an Applet ?
A. Ascending
Q. When is update method called ?
A. Who is update method?
Q. Have you ever used Hash Table and Dictionary ?
A. There is a Dictionary named Hash in my table.
Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.
Q. What is JINI ?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.
Q. What is the base class for all swing components ?
A. A glass that can be beneath all and which is very rigid.
Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee
Q. What is Difference between AWT and Swing ?
A. AWT is an acronym . Swing is a word.
Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.
Q. Why do you use a Canvas ?
A. To get victory in election.
Q. How you can know about drivers and database information ?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus depot.
Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.
Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Q. What are virtual functions ?
A. Functions about which we are dreaming.
Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.
Q. What is the exact difference between Unicast and Multicast object ?
A. If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is multicast.
Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.
Q. What is meant by flickering ?
A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.
Q. What is meant by distributed Application ?
A. Distributing application forms.
Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.
Poem : The Hard side of Software
The Hard side of Software
By Atlas Didn't Shrug (15-May-2002)
"I start my day by sitting on a chair,
Giving my monitor a hard, cold stare,
By evening I'm done with another coding.
Oh! This has become a routine so boring.
Like all, I entered this field with great hope,
Jobs were many and there was plenty of scope,
Dreams of joining the likes of Gates,
And a chance to make money in the States.
This, I entered the world of bytes,
Only to realize that reality bites.
'Coz a programmer's life, isn't all that cozy.
The bed of software isn't all that rosy.
Seeing the monitor all day n night,
Have taken the power off my eyesight,
Late to bed n late to rise,
Has made me wealthy, but not healthy n wise.
Working holidays, busy weekends.
No time for family, no time for friends,
My job steals most of my time,
Helplessly, I watch this crime.
Just for few bits of money,
I forego those moments with my Honey,
When I should be out - having fun,
I'm telling a comp, what's to be done.
I hate u, yet I can't get away,
'Coz, I need the money u pay.
God, to thee I pray,
If there be one - show me the way."
Poem : Economy Slowdown
Bcos of this economic slowdown
We Engineers's have to keep our heads down..
Where ever we go, our face wears a frown..
Not knowing when we'll be thrown down !!!!!!!!
Mails from girlfriends have slowed down
We've lost from our heads, the valuable IT crown
Dreams once soared to the height of the moon
Now searching for a job in the hot noon !!!!!!!
New house, new cars, all dreams are shattered
"I knew this wud happen" a father-in-law muttered
Our frequent flier miles are badly hit
Foreign visit boasts have gone down a bit !!!!!
Engineer's were once the preferred bridegroom
Now there's no scope for even being a groom
Never forget the days when we used to fly so high
Coz the only thing now left in life is to sigh!!!!!!!!
Don't worry for whatever happened to IT
Now you got a better option not to declare IT*
Drop all the courses from NIIT,
Terrorism, Attacks served as hot tea,
You've a better option now in LTTE.
*Income Tax
Height of Emailing
HEIGHT OF ISOLATION:?
Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.
HEIGHT OF COWARDICE:?
Two persons fighting through emails.
HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS:?
Receiving no emails for a week.
HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION:?
The email server being down.
HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS:
Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'
HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT:?
A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.
HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS:?
A person sending email to himself.
HEIGHT OF EXPECTATION:?
Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail, wishing them to win a match .
HEIGHT OF REPETITION:?
Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same
email forwarded back to you By some one in the receiving chain.
HEIGHT OF BROWSING:?
U r swimming in the water tank and shout "F1 F1 F1?"
HEIGHT OF MY DOSTI:
I always mail, u don't.
HEIGHT OF HAVING NO WORK:
You people reading such mails.
This is how Communication happens in this software industry
Programmer to PL:
"This is not possible!!! Impossible. It will involve design change and nobody
in our team knows the design of the system. And above that nobody in our
company knows the language in which this software has been written.
So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal
opinion the company should never take these type of projects."
Project Leader to Project Manager:
"This project will involve design change. Currently we don't have people who
have experience in this type of work. Also the language is unknown so we will
have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal
opinion, we should avoid taking this project."
Project Manager to AVP:
"This project involves design change in the system and we don't have much
experience in that area. Also not many people are trained in this area.
In my personal opinion we can take the project but we should ask for
some more time."
AVP to SVP:
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have
worked in this area and some who know the language. So they can train other
people. In my personal opinion we should take this project but with caution."
SVP to CEO:
"This project will show the industry our capabilities in modeling the design
of a complete system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute
this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training
in this area to other people. In my personal opinion we should not let this
project go by under any Circumstance."
CEO to Client:
"These are the type of projects in which our company specialize. We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many big clients. Trust me
when I say that you are in the safest hand in the Industry. In my personal
opinion we can execute this project successfully and that too well
within the given time frame."
Employee Evaluation
Be sure to read through to the bottom...
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob worksindependently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read
only the odd numbered lines.
Call Center Jokes
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$>
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now.
You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to
try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now
because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery
store."
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer:"No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs don't work
"That's weird..."
"It's never done that before."
"It worked yesterday."
"How is that possible?"
"It must be a hardware problem."
"What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
"There is something funky in your data."
"I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
"You must have the wrong version."
"It's just some unlucky coincidence."
"I can't test everything!"
"THIS can't be the source of THAT."
"It works, but it hasn't been tested."
"Somebody must have changed my code."
"Did you check for a virus on your system?"
"Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
"You can't use that version on your system."
"Why do you want to do it that way?"
"Where were you when the program blew up?"
And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don't work:
"It works on my machine."
About Microsoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all the navigation and communications equipment. The
pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign saying "Where am I?" and held it in the helicopter's window. People
in the tall building drew a large sign, and held it in a window, "You
are in a helicopter". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determined the course to steer to Seatac airport and landed safely. When his
co-pilot asked how the sign had helped, the pilot responded, "I knew
that had to be the Microsoft building as they gave me a technically
correct but useless answer."
The companies have redefined themselves as...
INFOSYS : Inferior Offline Systems
WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses
TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions
C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings
HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds
IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines
SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors
HP : Hen Pecked
AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible
CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort
DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers
BFL : Brainwash First, and Let them go
DELL : Deplorable Equipment & Lackluster
TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd
PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India
PCL : Poor Computers Ltd
SPARC : Simply Poor And Redundant Computers
SUN : Surely Useless Novelties
CRAY : Cry Repeatedly After an Year
TUL : Troubles Un Limited
CTS : Coffee, Tea and Snacks
ICIM : Impossible Computers In Maintenance
BPL : Below Poverty Line.
NIIT : Not Interested in IT
20 years from now
Place: Two Americans at IBM, USA.
Currency Conversion Rate: Rs. 1/- = $ 100/-.
Alex : Hi John, you didn't come yesterday to office?
John : Yeah, I was in Indian Embassy for stamping.
Alex : Oh really, what happened, I heard that
nowadays it has become very
strict.
John : Yeah, but I managed to get it.
Alex : How long it took to get it stamped?
John : Oh, it was nasty man, long queue. Bill Gates
was standing in front
of me and they played with him like anything. Thats
why it got
delayed. I went there at 2 am itself and waited and
returned by 4 pm.
Alex : Really? In India, it is a matter of an hour
to get stamped for USA
John : Yeah, but that is because who in India will
be interested in coming
to USA man, their economy has been booming.
Alex : So, when are you leaving?
John : Anytime, after receiving my tickets from the
client in India and you
know, I will be getting a chance to fly Air-India.
Sort of dream
come true.
Alex : How long are you going to stay in India.
John : What do you mean by how long. I will be
settled in India, my company
has promised me that they will process my Hara
Patta.
Alex : Really, lucky person man, it is very
difficult to get a Hara Patta
in India.
John : Yeah, thats why, I am planning to marry an
Indian girl there.
Alex : But you can find lots of US girls in
Hyderabad, Bangalore and Mumbai.
John : But, I prefer Indian girls because they are
beautiful and cultured.
Alex : Where did you get the offer, Hyderabad?
John : Yeah, salary is good there, but cost of
living is quite high, it is
Rs. 1000/- for a single room accommodation.
Alex : I see, that's too much for US people, Rs. 1/-
= $100/-. Oh God! what
about in Chennai, Mumbai?
John : No idea, but it is less than what we have in
Hyderabad. It is like
the world headquarters of Software.
Alex : I heard, almost all the Indians are having
one personal Robot for
help.
John : You can get a BMW car for Rs. 5000/-, and a
personal Robot for less
than Rs. 7500/-. But my dream is to purchase
Ambassador, which costs
Rs.200000/- but has got a sexy design.
Alex : By the way, who is you are client?
John : Reddy and Naidu Associates, a pure Indian
company, specializing in
Embedded Software.
Alex : Oh, really, lucky to work in a pure Indian
company. They are really
intelligent and unlike American Bodyshoppers who
have opened their
Fly-by-night outfits in India. Indian companies pay
you in full even
when you are on bench. My friend Paul Allen, it
seems, used his bench
time to visit Bihar, the most livable place in
India, probably world.
There you have full freedom and no restrictions. You
can do whatever
you want! I wonder how that state has perfected that
system.
John : Yeah man, you are right. I hope our America
also follows their
footsteps.
Alex : How are you going to cope with their
language?
John : Why not? From my school days I have been
learning Hindi as my first
language here at New York. At the Consulate they
tested my
proficiency in Hindi and were quite impressed by my
cent percent
score in TOHIL i.e.Test of Hindi as International
Language.
Alex : So, you are going to have fun there.
John : Yeah, I will be travelling in the world's
fastest train, world's
largest theme park, and the famous Bollywood where
you can see
actors like, Hrithik, Govinda and all. Esselworld is
also near to
Bollywood.
Alex : You know, the PM is scheduled to visit US
next year, he may then
relax the number of visas.
John : That's true. Last month, Narayanamurthy
visited White House and
donated Rs. 2000/- for infrastructure development at
Silicon Valley
and has promised more if we follow the model of
High-Tech City of
Hyderabad. Bill Gates also got a chance of meeting
him. Very lucky
person.
Alex : But, Indian government is planning to split
Narayanamurthy's Infosys.
John : He is a hard worker man, he can build any
number of Infosys like
this. Every minute he is getting Rs. 1000/-. It
seems, if you keep
all his money converted as Rs. 100/- notes you can
reach Pluto.
Alex : OK, Good Luck John.
John : Same to you Alex. And don't go to Consulate
in a Kurta Pyjama
because they will think you are too Indianised and
may doubt you
will ever come back and hence your Non-Immigrant
Visa may get
rejected. But don't forget to say "Namaste, aap
kaise hai" to the
Visa officer at Window 5. It seems he likes that and
will not give
you a visa if you don't greet him that way.
Monthly Milestone Report of Software Engineer
Bank Balance
First Week : 10000
Second Week : 1000
Third Week : 100
Fourth week : 10
Conveyance
First Week : Auto ("I can afford it")
Second Week : Share Auto ("I would like to share. I am selfless!")
Third Week : Bus ("Public figures should travel by public transport")
Fourth week : Walk ("Good for health")
Girl friends
First Week : Eena, Meena, Tina ("I can BUY love")
Second Week : Meena, Tina ("I have enough girl friends")
Third Week : Tina ("I am loyal to her")
Fourth week : "Huh! There is no pure love on earth!"
Mobile Maintenance
First Week : Frequent outgoing calls ("This is what mobile is invented for")
Second Week : Restricted outgoing calls ("I should not create unnecessary traffic on mobile lines")
Third Week : Rare outgoing calls ("Mobile should be used in urgent situations only")
Fourth week : Only incoming calls ("I am not going to call her until she calls me")
Boozing
First Week : "Come, let's go to Goa and freak out!"
Second Week : "Man, there is nothing in Goa. Let's go to Lonawala."
Third Week : "The best place to booze on earth is our house itself. What say?"
Fourth week : "Drinking is injurious to health."
Normal working day in the life of a software engineer
08:30AM: Wake up
08:45AM: Tough decision ; To bath or not.
08:50AM: Have To.
09:15AM: Punch in.
09:20AM: Check Mail.
09:25AM: Check Again just in case...
09:30AM: Since It is already 9:30 wait for tea(9:45AM).
09:45AM: TEA party.
10:00AM: Check Mail.
10:05AM: Check again.Can'nt Believe that no mail has come.
Is every body dead or what.
10:20AM: Sudden feeling of loneliness and desperation.
Turn around to look for some body (Any body) to talk to.
10:30AM: Found a guy testing something. Feel real pity for his
pathetic,boring and useless existence.
10:40AM: Sudden urge to get some work done and fast.
Start looking for the file.(Can't remember it's name)
11:00AM: Boss summons in his office. Bad sign.
11:30AM: How the hell am i suppose to remember everything.
Why should i be responsible for everything that goes bad.
11:45AM: Try to locate a scape goat. No body around.
12:00AM: Mood is really bad decide to postpone work till after lunch.
12:30AM: Lunch
01:00PM: Lunch over.
01:10PM: Go for a smoke.Can't even smoke in this god forsaken place.
01:35PM: Back from a smoke. It was good. I even did not paid for the
cig. The other chap is so foolish.
01:50PM: Mood is good. Decide to go to desi baba.Real sleazy thoughts.
02:30PM: Feeling real sleepy after such a mammoth mental effort.
02:45PM: Tea Time.
03:00PM: Chat and discuss with collegue on the bad state of the
company. Blame every body for incompetence and laziness.
04:00PM: A guy from testing comes for help.(Jerk)
04:11PM: Try to look busy.
04:12PM: He is asking for a technical help.(Real jerk).
04:15PM: After really making him beg for help decide to take a look.
04:50PM: No solution found. really angry on the guy for getting myself
involved.
04:55PM: Sudenly boss is spotted in the neighbouring area. Try make
as much loud noise as possible with some obscure technical
jargon thrown in.
05:00PM: Boss has gone back to his den. Coast is clear.
05:05PM: Blame the problem on RnD.
05:10PM: Check mail. "Yes" a mail has finally arrived.
05:13PM: It's a silly joke and old too. But it felt good.
05:15PM: Third in punching out.
05:25PM: Reached Room.
05:26PM: TV on.No worth while program.
08:30PM: Still no worth while program. Every body is getting lazi and
irreseposible what will happen to this world GOD help us.
Curse goverment and RnD.
08:45PM: Food arrives. Pretty bad and stinking.
08:48PM: Dinner finished.
08:50PM: Bay watch. At last some quality.
11:30PM: Mtv Grind. Hmm things are looking up.
12:45PM: Today there were really good programs.
01:46PM: Decide to sleep. Tough day ahead.
From the diary of a US settled Indian Software Engineer
January 2000
Love my new job here in Silicon Valley. My salary
is 30% higher! I have stock options! The
temperature
outside is 65F in winter!
California is the best place on earth!!! Sure
glad I moved out here.
February
Still looking for an apartment. Freeways everywhere
to take you places. Love California!
March
Found a 1-bedroom apartment for $1900/mo.
California
is a bit more expensive than I thought.
April
Gas hit $2.29/gal. Somebody stole the gas from my
car. That sucks....
May
A small earthquake! And this is what everyone was
so worried about? Almost didn't feel it.
June
A forest fire and a mud slide near LA. Who cares,
that is far away from me!
July
A big earthquake... Spent 4 hours in my bathtub.
Boy,
that was scary. Glad we didn't have no stinking
earthquakes where I grew up.
August
Drought! They turn on the water once a day. This
sucks big time! Somebody stole the water from my
car's
radiator. Why did I come to California?
September
Decided to buy a house. Found a 2-bedroom
fixer-upper
for $800K. Borrowed against my stock options for
down
payment. Freeway traffic is worse. Today it took
nearly two hours to get to and from work...each way.
October
My startup fired 90% of the work force, including
me. The stock lost 98% of its value. My options are
underwater.
November
Had to sell my house. Couldn't make the payments.
Found a studio apartment for $2300/mo. The traffic
is
unbearable
December
Problems with electricity. They turn the
electricity
off several times a day. It's called "rolling
blackouts."
Somebody stole my car battery...what do I do now?
January 2001
I'm typing this, stuck in an elevator, in complete
darkness. The battery of my laptop is dying.
Silicon
Valley is no more. Angry hordes of former
dot-commers
are looting in the dark. It was fun while it
lasted.
February
Trying hard to get H1B Sponsorer. No body is ready
to
sponsor me. Everybody says they will sponsor me once
if I get project. Interviews are happening but no
result, or no budget or Project is on hold.
March
No money to pay rent, car loan and cell phone bills,
managed to pay bills with creditcards. Took some
cash
advance from creditcard companies and bought ticket
to
India. Taking new credit cards as lot of promotions
and every credit card company wants to give me
credit
card. So why not take it.
April
Did lot of shopping with credit cards, the day of my
returning to home has come, I went to airport and
called Car Finance Co (DCU) told them to take their
car which is parked in airport as I cannot pay loan
any more. I put the phone down before they were
about
to tell something. Sat down in the flight and what a
relief.
May
Prepared resume with US Experience in Bold letters
and went for job search, surprisingly No Job
postings
in Papers, couple of companies who advertised for
jobs has clearly written in Bold letters
"Applicants
with US experience will not be considered for this
position"
June
No job. Getting frustrated. Today morning I woke up
and my mind is very fresh. I have decided to do what
my father asked to do 6 years back i.e to take care
of them and take care of fields in my village
Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son
Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Laloo goes to see the President of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vicepresident."
President : "But I already have more vicepresidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."